Female Pleasure-the Gist of It

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For centuries, women’s pleasure has been an enigma to the scientific community and society at large. Thankfully, we’ve made loads of progress since Freud declared in the early 1900’s that “grown women who need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm are defective” and these women were deemed to be frigid. We thank you for your contribution, Freud.

Although more research has been done in the last few decades, we had to wait until 1998 for publication of the first comprehensive anatomical study of the clitoris and it wasn’t until 2005 that the first mapping of the clitoris was done under MRI.^[1] Clearly, our pleasure organ wasn’t at the top of the research community’s agenda. In fact, the clitoris only appeared in school biology books in France in 2017^[2] and a group of scientists finally discovered how many nerve endings there are in the glans of the clitoris in 2022 (by the way, that’s more than 10,000, which is more than double the number of nerves in the penis^[3])!

Despite this recent progress in research, there is still a so-called pleasure gap in heterosexual relationships, meaning that 95% of heterosexual men say that they usually orgasm during sex, while that proportion is only 65% for heterosexual women.^[4] The fact that women are as biologically capable of reaching an orgasm as men^[5] leads us to believe that the pleasure gap might have more to do with a lack of knowledge about women’s pleasure. “Women are complicated,” we often hear. But are we really?

Why are orgasms important?

Aside from the fact that orgasms feel extremely pleasurable (and that, in my book, should be reason enough), the World Health Organisation declared that good sexual health, including sexual pleasure, is now considered fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals and couples.^[6] While research found that women are more satisfied when they climax during sex, orgasms also have the following health benefits:

• Reducing stress and anxiety^[7]: during orgasm, your body releases dopamine, known as the “feel-good hormone”, and oxytocin, which makes us feel close to our partner.^[8]
• Pain relief: the release of endorphins can help provide the brain and body with pain relief, including pain from headache and menstrual cramps.^[9]
• Strengthening the pelvic floor muscles.^[10]
• Better sleep: a 2019 study of 778 people led by Dr. Michele Lastella of the Central Queensland University in Australia found that both men and women perceive that they fall asleep quicker and sleep better after orgasm with a partner or alone.^[11]
• Reducing the risk of heart disease and certain cancers, such as ovarian cancer.^[12]
• Boosting your immune system.^[13]
• Boosting your libido: when something feels good, it makes you crave it more, in other words, good sex begets more sex.
• Empowerment and assertiveness outside of the bedroom (my personal fave): Sophie Bramly, founder of Secondsexe.com told Madame Figaro in an interview that power and libido are intrinsically linked as both depend on the same hormones-adrenaline, testosterone, and dopamine. We often forget that the female body also produces testosterone. When we are in a position of power in any sphere of our life, our testosterone increases. For instance, when we sign an important business deal at work, we can feel intense pleasure. She also suggests that affirming our desires transpires in the way we carry ourselves when we enter a room…be it a bedroom or a boardroom!

We need to talk about the clitoris

We can’t mention female pleasure without talking about the clitoris. It might be THE most important organ in our body. There, I said it. The clitoris is the only human organ that is solely dedicated to pleasure. And the fact that it was barely mentioned in biology books (even in med students’ books) until recently is mind-boggling…and a testament to how society has historically been devaluing women’s pleasure. But thanks to a group of women researchers, sex therapists, psychologists, activists and writers, things are looking up!

Dr. Laurie Mintz, who teaches the psychology of human sexuality at the University of Florida, asked a sample of over 500 undergraduate students to indicate “their most reliable route to orgasm,” and only 4% indicated penetration alone. Who else is relieved to find out that it’s not just them? 43% said they most reliably orgasmed when pairing penetration with clitoral stimulation (with hands or vibrators), and 34% said they most reliably orgasm during sexual activities focusing exclusively on clitoral stimulation (oral sex, manual stimulation, vibrator stimulation). ^[14]

Another 2015 study involving 1,055 women in the US concluded that 18% were able to reach orgasm with intercourse alone,^[15] and in a 2016 survey conducted in Finland, that figure was only 6%.^[16] Researchers and sex therapists even suspect that the women who can climax with intercourse alone can do so because their clitoris is being indirectly stimulated. Another 2016 study found that there was no evidence of erectile tissue in the vaginal wall, leading scientists to speculate that the infamous G-spot is just the engorged bulbs of an aroused clitoris felt through the vaginal wall.^[17] In conclusion, if you want to get off, you need to pay attention to your clitoris. 

Image credit Shutterstock

The problem is that popular culture hasn’t been good at showing or talking about female masturbation and clitoral stimulation, although we’ve started to see some ground-breaking shows crop up such as Netflix phenoms Sex Education and Sex/Life, and some movies, including Best Picture Oscar nominee Poor Things. Movies and TV shows have historically depicted sex scenes from a male gaze perspective where a woman climaxes quickly from penetration alone. And that’s not even considering good old-fashion porn, which unfortunately often substitutes for proper sexual education, and you have the perfect storm for heterosexual women being dissatisfied with their sex life.

Tips to increase your pleasure…and your chance at orgasm

Take matters into your own hands…literally. A study found that women who masturbate had significantly more orgasms, greater sexual desire, higher self-esteem, and greater marital and sexual satisfaction, and required less time to sexual arousal.^[18] This is probably because they have better knowledge of their body and can take more of an active role and show their partner what feels good to them during sex.

Communication with your partner and assertiveness are key. Learn to communicate to your partner what you need to reach orgasm and let them know that you need clitoral stimulation to get aroused. Sexual assertiveness has been proven to increase the likelihood of orgasm and sexual satisfaction in women.^[19]

^{Photo credit Shutterstock / HSSstudio}

Reframe foreplay as actual sex in your mind and take things slow. That’s right, sex does not have to be solely about penetration. In fact, the vagina only has a limited number of nerve endings, which is thought to be important to help women cope with the pain of childbirth.^[20] So for most women, the main event is what most people consider “foreplay”, such as oral and manual stimulation. A study found that the more frequently women receive oral or manual sex from their partners, the more often they have orgasms and when a sex session lasted at least 15 minutes, women also had a greater chance at climaxing.^[21] Women take longer on average than men to reach an orgasm. In her book Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Mintz highlights the fact that men typically reach orgasm after 2 to 10 minutes of intercourse, while women take anywhere from 15 minutes to 40 minutes. But if you spend twenty or more minutes on clitoral stimulation, about 92% of your female partners will orgasm. In other words, let’s be patient.

Switch it up and try new things. Women who orgasm more frequently are more likely to try new positions, act out fantasies and ask for what they want in bed.^[22] You can also try to stimulate other sensitive areas on the body. Some people get aroused from stimulation of the ears, neck, elbows, breasts, and nipples.^[23] A 2019 study found that stimulation of the nipples can activate the part of the brain that also activates with genital stimulation.^[24] Let your whole body be the playground.

Practice mindfulness. Women are often worried about how they look during sex (on top of a thousand other things!) and this can hinder sexual arousal. One way to shut off that part of your brain is to practice mindful sex, which is when you’re totally and completely immersed in the physical sensations of your body. Mindful sex is linked to better self-esteem and more satisfying sex lives, particularly for women.^[25] And don’t put pressure on yourself to orgasm, as it makes it less likely that you’ll climax. This is true for both men and women.^[26] Instead, try to focus on the journey, not the destination.

Photo credit Shutterstock / Parilov

Bring sex toys in the mix. A 2022 literary review published by the American Urological Association found that vibrators were linked to increased sexual desire, satisfaction and overall sexual function in women.^[27] Studies show that women who use vibrators have better sexual experiences, including more lubrication, less painful intercourse, and easier and more frequent orgasms.^[28] And sex toys are not just for solo play. In a 2021 survey conducted by the French institute IFOP, 46% of French women said that they had used a sex toy with a partner, while 34% said they had used one on their own.^[29] Using sex toys as a couple can be a fun way to experiment and spice things up.

And for those who worry that a sex toy might ruin intimacy with your partner, Dr. Mintz has a brilliant response: “when you incorporate a vibrator into sex with a partner, you’re still having sex with that partner, not with your vibrator. Your connection is to the person, not the object you’re using with the person. This is akin to a couple swimming in a pool together: one gets a raft to float around and the other hangs on to the raft, talking, teasing, and kissing. The person on the raft is still swimming with the other person…she won’t come home and tell her friends, ‘I had an awesome day swimming with my raft. Oh, and my boyfriend was there too.’”

Exercise those pelvic floor muscles. A 2012 study of 49 women aged 20-28 in Brazil found that women with stronger pelvic floor muscles had more desire, excitement and orgasms.^[30] The best part is that you can do Kegels anywhere, anytime.

Use your brain. In her Ted Talk that cumulated almost 2 million views, founder of erotic podcast company Gina Gutierrez talks about how for women, cognition is as important as the presence of sexual stimuli for arousal and desire. Using their memories, fantasies and some focus, women can turn themselves on with their thoughts. Many women think that good sex is something that should happen to them, that it’s in someone else’s hands, and they forget their own agency in the matter.^[31] So why not listen to sexy audio stories, read an erotica novel, watch a TV show that turns you on and let your imagination run wild?

Prioritize your own pleasure and stop faking it. Women have been socialized to please others first and they apparently do this in the bedroom as well. A study conducted with 119 adults aged 18-26 found that for both men and women, it was mainly men’s orgasm and not women’s that signaled the end of the partnered session.^[32] Another study showed that, for both men and women, the most common concern when women don’t orgasm is how this might hurt the man’s ego. Yes, you read that right. That’s probably why women represent most people who have faked an orgasm (and that’s more than half of the population by the way).  Women also fake their orgasms to end the session or avoid the shame of feeling abnormal.^[33] I can only imagine how different things might be if women acted as if they were also entitled to pleasure.

I realize that closing the pleasure gap entails more than focusing on women’s orgasms. For instance, we need to have better sex education in schools (unsurprisingly the orgasm gap is smaller in countries with comprehensive sex ed), we need to have open and honest conversations about sex, we need to stop objectifying women and start seeing them as people with wants and needs of their own, and we need true equality at work and at home, not just in the bedroom (but this is a conversation for another day). In the meantime, trying some of the above-mentioned tips might help women get their fair share of pleasure and prevent them from seeing sex as just one more chore on their to-do list, like picking up the dry cleaning.